13 posts tagged “funny”
Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum | |
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them? | A: Try a bookstore under fiction. |
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? | A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live. |
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found? | A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt.' |
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband? | A: Tell him you're pregnant! |
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles? | A: Take off your glasses. |
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face? | A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out. |
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking? | A: Valets don't forget where they park your car. |
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? | A: Storing memory is not a problem; retrieving it is a problem. |
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? | A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. |
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses? | A: On their foreheads. |
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores? | A: 'Damn, I remember these!" |
SMILE .... You've still got your sense of humor, right? | |
ONG!! It's true!!! I am strange!
strange-minded friends:
If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends and the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line.
Only great minds ;can read this
This is weird, but
interesting!
fi yuo cna
raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe
out of 10 0 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht
I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch
at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod
are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed i t whotuit a pboerlm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the
wrod as a wlohe. Azanmi g huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
if you can raed tihs forwrad it
FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT
Forward it & put 'YES' in the Subject
Line
HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT? This is hysterical. You ha ve to try this. It is absolutely true. I HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT? You have to try this please it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!!! It is from an orthopaedic surgeon............ This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain! 1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY!!) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it. 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction. I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so. Send it to your friends, frustrate them. I just did!!
guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: So, what happened?
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'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal
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'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US. Air Force Manual
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'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons.' - General Mac Arthur
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'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.'
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance
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'Five second fuses last only three seconds.' - Infantry Journal
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'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
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'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do'
- Unknown Marine Recruit
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'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.'
- USAF Ammo Troop
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'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
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'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
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'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter
-- and therefore, unsafe.'
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'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have
enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
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'Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club.'
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'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies.'
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'Never trade luck for skill.'
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words),
in aviation are:
'Why is it doing that?'
'Where are we?'
And
'Oh S...!'
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'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
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'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation;
we have never left one up there!'
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'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight
to a person on the ground incapable of understanding
or doing anything about it.'
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'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world;
it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley
(Northrop test pilot)
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Airman, maintain thy air speed lest the earth rise up and smite you!
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'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
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'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it
takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives;
the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
- Attributed to Ray Crandell
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