6 posts tagged “depression”

Finding me

Jun 17, 2009
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After a tad over of a year of therapy for clinical depression, I am a lot closer to who and what I am. I was so angry after my Mother passed, even my husband would call me "Bad Deborah". The meds help too, but the talking with Therese has opened up several "dark" areas. Mostly it was about being alone. Most of my survival skills come from childhood. What memories I have being alone was a biggy. I was a latch-key kids. Come home for lunch, make it myself, call my mother at work, then go back to school. Now, mind you this was grade school. I remember Mother telling me she would get me up, dressed, fed, and then she would lay me back down on the couch with the alarm clock to go off when I was suppose to go to school. A lot of my survival skills came from a violent father. I had a rich "fantasy" life then as I keep the really scary and bad stuff behind really thick mental walls. Not ready to look at those yet. I do have a serious problem with trust. That is why I do shy away from people.
I enjoy doing my gardens, beadwork and crochet. Those really help me to "stay on track"-mentally. I am not good with crowds, or social functions ether. I just never know how to act or do that small talk stuff. And with talking I now can see that I can work on my beadwork or crochet without feeling like I should be doing houework or chores first. It is difficult to realize I am an artist/craftsperson.
As far as letting people help me, that is what we are working on now . . .

Could you survive another great depression?

Dec 2, 2008
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You Are 72% Likely to Survive Another Great Depression

Even though you may not be expecting the worst, you're the type of person who prepares for the worst.
You live a relatively modest life. You don't overspend, and you aren't very materialistic.

You are also quite self sufficient and independent. You have many useful skills.
You can take care of yourself and those you love... which is crucial to surviving another Great Depression.

Could You Survive Another Great Depression?

Senator soup or bean soup?

Sep 19, 2008
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When I was a kid my mother used to make bean soup and serve it with rice and hot bread and butter. Great soup and a filling meal I might add. But my mom always called it "Senator soup". Well, years later when I was learning to cook, I asked her why it was called "Senator soup". She replied that during the depression, the soup was called that because of all the beans and hot air going on in Washington, and that beans and hot air was all that was coming out of Washington was why "we the people" could only afford to eat beans.

Anyway, to make Senator soup you need small white beans, a nice smoked ham hock (Usually was really cheap or free at the time), chicken broth (Broth made from a real chicken or what was left over from a chicken dinner), tiny diced carrots and onions. (tiny diced because at the time, produce was expensive if you didn't have your own garden.)

First rinse and then soak beans in water over night.

The next day drain the liquid into your compost bucket as that water has been enriched somewhat by the beans, plus saving water for a plant.) Place beans, ham hock, veggies into a large pot and cover with chicken broth. Bring to a boil then lower the heat so that the soup is just lightly simmering. Beans should be ready in about 2 hours. When finished, take out the ham bones and strip all the meat off to go back into the soup pot. Gently stir. Serve over rice, (what ever kind you like). Serve with hot homemade french bread and salad. Sometimes I will make homemade buttermilk cornbread muffins flavored with dried red pepper flakes. Or I really add drained, canned, roasted jalapenos, diced. You pour in half of the batter into the muffin pan, then put a layer of jalapenos, then top off with batter. Cook as usual. There's a restaurant here that serves these kind of muffins and you really don't want to know how much one costs. And people wonder why I can cook so well.

And for those of you out there who don't eat meat, do the above but use vegetable broth, fake bacon for flavoring. For the cornbread use fake eggs. I'm not putting you down for your choice, just trying to NOT have this blog ramble on.

Now this is just the basic recipe. From this you can use your own imagination to make "more soup" with all kinds of veggies, meat, whatever . . .

Life in general . . .

May 17, 2008
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Life has been very good lately. I know I am feeling my usual happy self even upon rising. I know it's a combination of the meds and therapy. But, that's ok, this is how I used to be. It's good to be active again-my home, gardens, beads, crochet, etc. Of course I know I have to stay on the meds awhile, and that's ok too. I really don't want to go back to all that "blue funk" crap anymore. Life is just to short. Even the Doctor who did my colonoscopy said that with meds one gets over the depression twice as fast. Yea!!

I enjoy talking with my therapist. It's nice to have someone to talk to about things going on with me. I am moving on in the therapy, we are now working on my self image and body image. How cool is that? I don't remember having a really close girlfriend when I was younger to be able to do that with. You know, how do I come off to other people, does this make-up look good, hairstyle, dress. Right now I am working on not seeming arrogant when I meet people. I'm not arrogant, but more like a teacher when people ask me questions. I can also seem a bit standoffish when I am reading something in an office or anywhere. I just get into what I am reading. That comes from to many years of just being alone with no other adults to talk to. Books became my friends. Sooooo we are trying to change that. I also move with-in myself when problems arise. I just gotta start letting people know what's up when those times happen.

Today is a wonderful day. The sun is shining. It is suppose to get up into the 90's!! It's my usual housework day. Nice to have moved the dust around and the floors swept and washed. Smells good when the heat comes up-LOL

Tomorrow, I hope we are going to go back down to Balboa Island as they are having an art walk. Ah spending the day looking at beautiful art, on the bay. What could be better than that?

Also, PLEASE, remember that tomorrow is also "MT Saint Helen's day. On May 18th 1980 the mountain erupted. 20 some people lost their lives, and the area around the mountain was changed forever. I will never forget hearing the blast from over 200 miles away. Thank you.

Luv

Deborah

The Rest of the story. . .

Apr 9, 2008
2 comments

Well, I know I haven't posted for a bit. There are several reasons. Hubby is doing just fine. He is all healed up, eating and doing his usual things. As soon as the surgeon says it's ok, he will begin his dental work.

Myself, on the other hand, my world "crashed" down on me. With everything that's been going on in the past year, up to and including hubby's surgery, I went to my doctor and was diagnosed with clinical depression plus my blood work came back showing I have rheumatoid arthritis, or osteoarthritis as ether one will show the same in blood tests. I have wonderful exquisite pain in my hips, knees and ankles. This goes along with the stenosis in 2 of my lower vertebra's. So, I am now taking lexapro for the depression and seeing a therapist. More tests are required for the arthritis, so it's only aspirin once in awhile till then.

With the depression tho, it mainly stems from rejection and trust. I am at the point that I feel worthless and unable to even crochet or bead. I felt that no one cared so why bother to do anything. Things are getting better now. Most of it goes back to my birth father who was a drunk and abusive to both my mother and myself. Add to that the years of Jr high and high school bullies. Plus hubbys family rejecting me for close to 38 years. And a bunch of other things. The therapist classified my birth father as a abusive drunk and classified my mother-in-law as cruel. Well, my birth father passed away several years ago, but his "legacy" lives on. My mother-in-law is still kicking tho. And she passed down to her other children that I am worthless and will never be good enough to even associate with hubby's 2 sisters and brother. Hubby's 2 sisters are college graduates, and have only believed what their mother has told them about me. They never bothered to find out anything of their own-that's sad and a waste of good money for college if you ask me. The therapist did say I was ok with getting her out of my life, yet letting hubby keep in touch with them.

As far as the possible RA, I have no idea if there is any family history due to the fact that my paternal grandmother. who was also cruel, did her best not to let family know I and my mother even existed. On my mother's side I have no idea as mother was orphaned at 16.

In the next couple of weeks I will be going in for a bone density test, plus a colonoscopy, and a mammogram.

So, if I don't blog regularly, it's just me getting thru the day. I also may use blogging in conjunction with my journal writings

Deborah

Going on the "rack" for my back

Oct 26, 2007
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Today I am going to start treatments for my lower back pain. I have "slippage" of one vertebra and the other is the compression of a disk. Up to now all I have heard is that I have to have surgery to correct the problem. My concern is that they would use cadaver bone for the fusion. No, I don't think so. What, I would have to take meds to counter rejection. And then the surgery isn't 100%. I have been in constant pain for about 4 years now. I take NO pain killers ether. Don't like the "stupid" feeling those drugs give you. Yes, I lived with the pain all during caregiving my Mother. Let me tell you, there were times I just wanted to scream and just sit/lay all day. But, I didn't. I guess I was just to stupid.
This is a nonsurgical procedure. Up to now I really haven't done much except for physical therapy. I just am to the point where I can not handle the pain anymore. Besides the past 4 years of major "life" changes, I have just surppressed the pain as best I could. Now, I want to go and do more, and just can't. And of course that adds to the depression I have been in for the past 4 years too. I have been hiding the fact of the depression due to keeping Mother's spirits up. But, even my family has noticed, so I need to move on.

Nonsurgical_back_ctr

Here is where I will be going on the "rack". Their website is;
http://www.nospinesurgery.com/ if you are intrerested in what they do. I just hope and pray this works. I can tell you that being in pain does change a person. Especially now in this stage of my life. I was hoping for more concern from my family and those few friends I have out there. But, sadly, not was not to be the case. I am so disillusioned by people in general. But, hey it really doesn't matter anyway-right? It's not like anyone can give me back what life I have lost. I also have to work on not being so "nasty". But, like I said, the pain is sometimes so bad I could "rip off" someones face and not give a second thought about it. Maybe if the pain eases up, my attitudes will brighten. Course witht he track record I have of who knows.
Well, in case any of you out there cyber land are thinking of not having surgery for your back-at least look this over. Even if it doesn't help me, maybe it will help you.

Finding me

Could you survive another great depression?

Senator soup or bean soup?

Life in general . . .

The Rest of the story. . .

Going on the "rack" for my back

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