2 posts tagged “bad”

After a tad over of a year of therapy for clinical depression, I am a lot closer to who and what I am. I was so angry after my Mother passed, even my husband would call me "Bad Deborah". The meds help too, but the talking with Therese has opened up several "dark" areas. Mostly it was about being alone. Most of my survival skills come from childhood. What memories I have being alone was a biggy. I was a latch-key kids. Come home for lunch, make it myself, call my mother at work, then go back to school. Now, mind you this was grade school. I remember Mother telling me she would get me up, dressed, fed, and then she would lay me back down on the couch with the alarm clock to go off when I was suppose to go to school. A lot of my survival skills came from a violent father. I had a rich "fantasy" life then as I keep the really scary and bad stuff behind really thick mental walls. Not ready to look at those yet. I do have a serious problem with trust. That is why I do shy away from people.
I enjoy doing my gardens, beadwork and crochet. Those really help me to "stay on track"-mentally. I am not good with crowds, or social functions ether. I just never know how to act or do that small talk stuff. And with talking I now can see that I can work on my beadwork or crochet without feeling like I should be doing houework or chores first. It is difficult to realize I am an artist/craftsperson.
As far as letting people help me, that is what we are working on now . . .   

Thoughts this week are trying very hard to stay with in my mind. While going thru therapy I have discovered many things about myself and some of the things why I am the way I am. No, I'm not going to go on and on about how bad things were growing up. I just don't remember most of it. Yet insights are coming to light from then for now. 
I know life is a struggle. Everyone makes their choice for their own lives. For me I can see how major life changes have affected my life. Mostly, I didn't get choices. No one else to help care for the kids. Plus I don't regret any of my past or things I have done. Right, wrong,good, bad, indifferent . . . I had NO other choice. What does keep "chewing away" at me is why did other people "choose" to keep family out of their lives? How come adults, who say they're family, have never gotten to know me? Yet, those adults have college degrees. Intresting huh! 
I know how to live without help from family and friends. That is a very big plus in the survivor category for me. Especially now in these days and times. But, I always left the so called "door" open. Very very few have stepped thru. How am I suppose to resolve anything when no information comes in . . .
And how could grandma's and great-grandma's choose to NOT wanting to know their grandchildren and great-grandchildren? I see and read all about how other families be real families. But, I for one have never experienced it for my self. Why? Why or how does a mother disown a son, yet still want that son to be like knick-knack on the mantel for holidays and such? What was the point for almost 40 years? 
Thanksgiving is just another day for someone like me. I used to do the whole bit when the kids were young so they would have those memories. Which they do. But, they do not have memories of Thanksgivings, Christmas', any kind of special times with my in-laws. 
Anyone reading this might think I am just out of my mind, or having a really bad day. The truth is I'm feeling ok. Hubby is going to go to Thanksgiving with his people. Good for him. My 3 children live in another state, 1500 miles away. And I am for once going to do nothing. Maybe crochet, watch TV, have a pizza and a couple of beers, some reading. But, for once all the "madness" is someone's else's problem. Not that it's a bad thing if any of you out there that have had family that gives a damn, good, bad, or whatever. Go for it! Good for you. 
The only part of Thanksgiving memories I have is the cooking and cleaning. Plus, doing for my family when we all were under the same roof. 
So, please don't leave any "nasty" comments because you might think I'm just into hate for the holiday. I'm not. I just would like to remind everyone about their families and what they really know about close relatives they only "hear" about. Go find out about those relatives on your own. Stop believing only what you've "heard about" these relatives. Go find out for yourself. Otherwise you might have a relative like me . . .